Love For Shore
Draft 1Like a clam, I was sealed shut
Not a reason to move ‘Till you stroked your fingers Along my every groove Picking me up, along the shore Big blue eyes waiting to adore But were you sure? It was me you were looking for? Just like that I opened up Just like that I let you in Just like that I loosened the latch Just like that you got under my skin We gazed at the horizon With promise in the west For as long as the sun would set I promised to give you my best But when a new tide rushed in You picked up your pail Buried my heart in the sand And without us, my hopes set sail Draft 2Like a clam, I was sealed shut.
Shameful, burrowed into the sand Not a reason to rush the waters. ‘Till you found me washed up, And picked me up along the shore Polished me up and stroked your fingers, Along my every groove. Loosening the latch and Giving me courage to go With the strong currents of emotions. Your big blue eyes waiting for me But were you sure? It was me you were looking for? Just like that I opened up Just like that I let you in Just like that I loosened my grip Just like that you got under my skin We gazed at the horizon And found comfort in the warmth Of the shades of pink and orange and yellow. We saw promise in the west, For as long as the sun would set I promised to give you my best But when a new tide rushed in You picked up your pail Buried my heart in the sand And without me, our hopes set sail Draft 3As a clam in the waters, I was sealed shut.
Burrowed myself into the sand For fear of rushing the changing waters. ‘Till you found me washed up with the tide And picked me up along the shore. You polished me up and stroked your fingers, Along my every groove. Loosening the latch that’d been tight so long Giving me courage to go Discover the wonders of the currents. Your big blue eyes waiting for me Swimming along side and protecting my every move. Just like that I opened up Just like that I let you in Just like that I loosened my grip Just like that you got under my skin We gazed at the horizon And found comfort in the warm Shades of pink and orange and yellow. We saw promise in the west, For as long as the sun would rise and set I promised to give you my best. Draft 4On a sunny day in the soft sand
I saw a small shimmering sliver of something That could be. You were washed up on the tide, and frankly I picked you up, I wanted you as mine. Broken and weathered from the tides of the past I wanted to smooth over the lumps Stroke a gentle finger along every wounded groove. You saw my intentions were true So you loosened the latch that’d been locked. We discovered the beauty of the pearl that’d been hidden You now swam the waters with grace The currents took you so far before You put even the strongest of currents in their place. In the cycle of the setting and rising sun We saw comfort, promise, a plan For as long as the sun would rise and set, I promised to be your man. |
ERN When first writing this poem, I knew I wanted to write something with imagery from the beach. As cliché as it sounds, I really wanted to make the beach a metaphor for love, just like the majority of other poets. Even though it’s really cliché, the beach was something I grew up with and knows very well. This was also one of the very first poems I wrote, so I figured I would stick with something I knew well. To start, I did the exercise we did in class where we would write a word on the top of the page, then go down the page writing words that either rhymed or alliterated with the word above. Since this was one of the first poems I wrote, I was also hung up on rhyming the poem and having a consistent rhyme scheme that I didn’t really pay much attention to the content. With the form, I chose to make couplets because I thought that would be the easiest form. However, it didn’t contribute to the poem as a whole. When I posted the poem in the blog, I got a comment saying that the poem was good, but that the rhyme scheme was taking away from it as a whole. Knowing that I wanted to change the rhyme scheme and the form, this is how I approached writing the second draft of this poem.
I had no idea how to approach revising this poem. It was like an artist having a vision for a painting, but not knowing which paint brush to pick up, or what colors to use. I started by putting all of the stanzas together, and that was a start. I already liked how the poem looked on the page so much better. The different lengths of the lines reminded me of waves coming in and out, so I already saw how the form was relating more to the content. Here’s a really cool example: “‘Till you found me washed up, And picked me up along the shore Polished me up and stroked your fingers, Along my every groove.” I also wanted to give up the rhyme scheme, but didn’t want to give up some of my lines. Therefore, I tried to add a different line between each rhyme. This was working for a while, but then I started getting confused with the narrative of the poem. After getting halfway through the poem using this convention, I stopped to revise, and realized what I had written barely made sense. So I started switching around lines, getting rid of lines, and unintentionally started using enjambment. I know it wasn’t the best use of enjambment, but this is a convention I’ve never really used. I also decided to separate the poem into three stanzas so that the middle one, or turning point, stood out. This is the only stanza that really has a pattern to it, and I like the inconsistency. While I liked the second draft, I knew it needed work. While I had lines that I liked such as “loosening the latch”, I also had some terribly cheesy lines like “But were you sure? / It was me you were looking for?” So I decided that these cheesy lines definitely needed to go. With the omission of these lines, I also polished up some of the pre-existing lines, however, this got rid of a lot of enjambment. Could it still work without the enjambment? I thought so. I still had the wave pattern working as well. I also decided to end this draft on a more positive note omitting the last four lines that read: "But when a new tide rushed in You picked up your pail Buried my heart in the sand And without me, our hopes set sail" For this fourth draft, I decided to switch perspectives. Have the male be the speaker and what he thinks of this burrowed clam when he sees it. This revision surprised me. I thought it was going to be harder to write, but writing the opposite perspective of the same situation was fun and helped me develop the characters. In writing through the male perspective, I got more of a sense of who the female was, and vice versa. If this ever gets published anywhere, I’d consider making this a two part poem. |